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我是邪惡軸心國喜劇巡演的創始成員之一,其他創始成員包括Ahmed Ahmed,他是埃及裔美國人,事實上,去中東巡演是他的點子,並著手將它實現。在我們開始巡演之前,他已先進行單人演出。還有Aron Kader,他是巴勒斯坦裔美國人;最後是我,這團體中的伊朗裔美國人。身為一個伊朗裔美國人,如大家所知,本身就會帶來一些問題。這二個國家最近關係不太好,這造成我許多內心衝突,就像是部份的我喜歡自己,部份的我卻討厭自己;部份的我認為伊朗該有核計畫,另一部分又認為伊朗一定會濫用核彈,我每天都處於這種天人交戰狀態。
但我在伊朗出生,現在是美國公民,這表示我擁有美國護照,可以自由旅行。因為如果你只有伊朗護照,歡迎你到訪的國家就不會太多,只有敘利亞、委內瑞拉和北韓。(笑聲)任何持有美國護照的人都會告訴你,護照上會註明你的出生地。我還記得當我拿到美國護照時,心想:「哇!我可以去旅行了!」但當我翻開護照,上面竟寫著「伊朗出生」,我心想:「噢!拜託!」(笑聲)「我想去很多地方耶!」
有趣的是,當我用美國護照到其他西方國家遊玩時,從沒遇過麻煩,就算上面寫著「伊朗出生」也沒問題。當我去某些阿拉伯國家旅行時,卻遇到一些問題,我想可能是因為某些阿拉伯國家跟伊朗的關係也不好吧!最近我去科威特,跟一些美國喜劇演員同台表演喜劇,當他們都通過海關後,海關官員看著我的美國護照說,「啊哈!美國人,很好!」然後他打開我的護照,「伊朗出生?等一下」(笑聲)他開始問我一些問題,他說,「你父親叫什麼名字?」我說,「哦,他過世了,他叫Khosro。」他繼續問,「你祖父叫什麼名字?」我說,「他過世好久了,他叫Jabbar。」他說,「你等一下,我馬上回來。」然後走開了。我開始胡思亂想,我不知道我祖父惹過什麼麻煩。(笑聲)想著那傢伙會回來告訴我,「我們已經追查你二百年了,」(笑聲)「你祖父違規停車,罰單已經到期很久了,你欠我們二十億美元。」
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以下為系統擷取之英文原文
I was one of the founding members of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour. The other founding members included Ahmed Ahmed, who is an Egyptian-American, who actually had the idea to go to the Middle East and try it out. Before we went out as a tour, he went out solo and did it first. Then there was Aron Kader, who was the Palestinian-American. And then there was me, the Iranian-American of the group. Now, being Iranian-American presents its own set of problems, as you know. Those two countries aren't getting along these days. So it causes a lot of inner conflict, you know, like part of me likes me, part of me hates me. Part of me thinks I should have a nuclear program, the other part thinks I can't be trusted with one. These are dilemmas I have every day.
But I was born in Iran; I'm now an American citizen, which means I have the American passport, which means I can travel. Because if you only have the Iranian passport, you're kind of limited to the countries you can go to with open arms, you know -- Syria, Venezuela, North Korea. (Laughter) So anyone who's gotten their passport in America will tell you, when you get your passport, it still says what country you were born in. So I remember getting my American passport. I was like, "Woohoo! I'm going to travel." And I opened it up, it said, "Born in Iran." I'm like, "Oh, come on, man." (Laughter) "I'm trying to go places."
But what's interesting is, I've never had trouble traveling in any other Western countries with my American passport, even though it says, "Born in Iran." No problems. Where I've had some problems is some of the Arab countries, because I guess some of the Arab countries aren't getting along with Iran either. And so I was in Kuwait recently, doing a comedy show with some other American comedians. They all went through, and then the border patrol saw my American passport. "Ah ha! American, great." Then he opened it up. "Born in Iran? Wait." (Laughter) And he started asking me questions. He said, "What is your father's name?" I said, "Well, he's passed away, but his name was Khosro." He goes, "What is your grandfather's name?" I said, "He passed away a long time ago. His name was Jabbar." He says, "You wait. I'll be back," and he walked away. And I started freaking out, because I don't know what kind of crap my grandfather was into. (Laughter) Thought the guy was going to come back and be like, "We've been looking for you for 200 years." (Laughter) "Your grandfather has a parking violation. It's way overdue. You owe us two billion dollars."
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當我說話的時候,你們可以聽出我有美國口音,你們會認為身為一位伊朗裔的美國演員,我應該可以扮演任何角色,好人、壞人都可以。但在好萊塢,有很多次,當選角導演發現你有中東血統後,他們會說,「噢,你是伊朗人,太好了!你能說這句台詞『我要以真主阿拉之名殺死你』嗎?」「我是可以說啦,但假如我想說『哈囉,我是你的醫生』呢?」他們會回答,「好,然後你劫持醫院。」(笑聲)我想大家並沒有完全體會我這段話的重點,別誤會,我並不介意扮演壞人,我想演壞人,我想搶銀行,我想在電影裡搶銀行,我想在電影裡扮搶匪,但是帶著槍搶銀行,而不是在身上綁炸彈,對吧?(笑聲)因為我想導演會說,「Maz,我想你的角色是個身上綁著炸彈的銀行搶匪。」「為什麼我要這麼做?如果我想要的是錢,為什麼我要炸死自己?」(笑聲)對吧?(掌聲)「把錢全都交出來,否則我就炸死自己!」(笑聲)「噢,那就請便吧,不過請在外面引爆。」(笑聲)
其實世上每個地方都有好人,這就是我在表演中想展示的主題,每個地方都有好人,只是一粒老鼠屎壞了一鍋粥。就像幾個月前,在紐約時代廣場上,有個巴基斯坦穆斯林試圖引爆一枚汽車炸彈,那天晚上我碰巧在時代廣場表演一場喜劇秀;在那之前幾個月,有一位在德州奧斯汀的美國白人開飛機撞國稅局大樓,那天我也碰巧在奧斯汀表演喜劇脫口秀。我得告訴你們,身為一位中東男性,當你老是出現在這些犯罪現場附近時,你會在某種程度上開始覺得有罪惡感。我一邊看著新聞一邊想,「我有參與這些犯罪嗎?」(笑聲)「我沒收到備案通知啊,到底發生什麼事了?」
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But as you can see, when I talk, I speak with an American accent, which you would think as an Iranian-American actor, I should be able to play any part, good, bad, what have you. But a lot of times in Hollywood, when casting directors find out you're of Middle Eastern descent, they go, "Oh, you're Iranian. Great. Can you say 'I will kill you in the name of Allah?'" "I could say that, but what if I were to say, 'Hello. I'm your doctor?'" They go, "Great. And then you hijack the hospital." (Laughter) Like I think you're missing the point here. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind playing bad guys. I want to play a bad guy. I want to rob a bank. I want to rob a bank in a film. I want to rob a bank in a film, but do it with a gun, with a gun, not with a bomb strapped around me, right. (Laughter) Because I imagine the director: "Maz, I think your character would rob the bank with a bomb around him." "Why would I do that? If I want the money, why would I kill myself?" (Laughter) Right. (Applause) "Gimme all your money, or I'll blow myself up." (Laughter) "Well, then blow yourself up. Just do it outside, please." (Laughter)
But the fact is, there's good people everywhere. That's what I try and show in my stand-up. There's good people everywhere. All it takes in one person to mess it up. Like a couple months ago in Times Square in New York, there was this Pakistani Muslim guy who tried to blow up a car bomb. Now, I happened to be in Times Square that night doing a comedy show. And a few months before that, there was a white American guy in Austin, Texas who flew his airplane into the IRS building, and I happened to be in Austin that day doing a stand-up comedy show. Now I'll tell you, as a Middle Eastern male, when you show up around a lot of these activities, you start feeling guilty at one point. I was watching the news. I'm like, "Am I involved in this crap?" (Laughter) "I didn't get the memo. What's going on?"
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有趣的是,那個巴基斯坦穆斯林玷污了所有穆斯林的名聲,以及全世界中東人及巴基斯坦人的名聲,但結果是,巴基斯坦的塔利班組織竟搶著為這次失敗的汽車爆炸案負責。我的問題是:一個失敗的汽車爆炸案,有什麼好居功的?「我們只想說,我們試過了。」(笑聲)「畢竟,有心最重要。」(笑聲)(掌聲)「最後總是會有得有失。」(笑聲)事實上,當那個白人開著飛機撞進大樓時,我知道所有我在美國的中東朋友和穆斯林朋友們都邊看電視邊祈禱,「拜託,不要是中東人。」「不要是海珊,不要是胡笙。」當新聞宣布那人的名字是傑克時,我大叫,「哇!不是我們!」但我還是一直盯著新聞,怕後續報導會說,「在犯下這起案件之前,他改變信仰成了伊斯蘭教徒。」「該死!為什麼是傑克?為什麼?」
事實上,我一直很幸運,有機會到世界各地表演,我在中東表演過很多次,我剛剛才結束七個國家的個人巡迴演出。我去了阿曼、沙烏地阿拉伯還有杜拜,演出過程感覺很棒,每個地方都有好人,你會在這些國家學到一些很棒的事,我鼓勵大家多去這些國家旅行。例如,杜拜是個很酷的地方,他們沉迷於擁有最大、最高、最長的東西。眾所皆知,杜拜有個商場,叫做杜拜購物中心,它非常大,裡面竟然還有計程車。我一邊逛街,一邊聽到「叭,叭」聲,我想,「計程車跑進來幹嘛?」他回答,「我要去Zara商店,它離這裡有三哩遠。讓路,讓路,讓路。」最瘋狂的是,全世界都面臨經濟不景氣,即使杜拜也是一樣,但你從杜拜的物價卻看不出來。像是在杜拜購物中心,他們的冰淇淋優格是以公克來計價,就像販賣毒品一樣。我走過那家店的時候,有個傢伙說,「嘿,老兄」(笑聲)「要不要來點冰淇淋優格?來,來,來,我有一公克、五公克、十公克,你要多少公克?」(笑聲)我買了五公克,十塊美金,十塊美金!我說,「裡面有什麼?」他說,「好東西啦,老兄,哥倫比亞來的,高檔貨,高檔貨啦!」
你到一些中東國家、拉丁美洲國家、南美洲國家旅行時,有時會發現一件事,他們在建造設施時經常是沒有規則也沒有法規規範的,例如,我帶我二歲的兒子到杜拜購物中心裡的遊樂場玩,我已帶我二歲的兒子玩遍全美各地的遊樂場,在美國,當你把二歲小孩放在溜滑梯上時,他們會在溜滑梯上裝設一些裝置,以降低小孩滑下來的速度,在中東可沒這回事。(笑聲)當我把孩子放上溜滑梯後,他就飛出去了,我跑下來說,「我兒子呢?」「在三樓,先生,在三樓。」(笑聲)「搭計程車,到Zara商店,然後左轉。」(笑聲)「嚐嚐這個優格,很棒哦,有點貴。」
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But what was interesting was, the Pakistani Muslim guy -- see he gives a bad name to Muslims and Middle Easterners and Pakistanis from all over the world. And one thing that happened there was also the Pakistani Taliban took credit for that failed car bombing. My question is: why would you take credit for a failed car bombing? "We just wanted to say we tried." (Laughter) "And furthermore, it is the thought that counts." (Laughter) (Applause) "And in conclusion, win some, lose some." (Laughter) But what happened was, when the white guy flew his plane into the building, I know all my Middle Eastern and Muslim friends in the States were watching TV, going, "Please, don't be Middle Eastern. Don't be Hassan. Don't be Hussein." And the name came out Jack. I'm like, "Woooo! That's not one of us." But I kept watching the news in case they came back, they were like, "Before he did it, he converted to Islam." "Damn it! Why Jack? Why?"
But the fact is, I've been lucky to get a chance to perform all over the world, and I did a lot of shows in the Middle East. I just did a seven-country solo tour. I was in Oman, and I was in Saudi Arabia. I was in Dubai. And it's great, there's good people everywhere. And you learn great things about these places. I encourage people always to go visit these places. For example, Dubai -- cool place. They're obsessed with having the biggest, tallest, longest, as we all know. They have a mall there, the Dubai Mall. It is so big, they have taxis in the mall. I was walking. I heard "Beep, beep." I'm like, "What are you doing here?" He goes, "I'm going to the Zara store. It's three miles away. Out of my way. Out of my way. Out of my way." And what's crazy -- there's a recession going on, even in Dubai, but you wouldn't know by the prices. Like in the Dubai Mall, they sell frozen yogurt by the gram. It's like a drug deal. I was walking by. The guy goes, "Psst. Habibi, my friend." (Laughter) "You want some frozen yogurt? Come here. Come here. Come here. I have one gram, five gram, 10 gram. How many gram do you want?" (Laughter) I bought five grams. 10 dollars. 10 dollars! I said, "What's in this?" He's like, "Good stuff, man. Columbian. Top of the line. Top of the line."
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我試著在表演裡展現的其中一件事,就是打破刻板印象,我也對自己存有某些刻板印象感到羞愧。我在杜拜時,看到許多印度人在杜拜工作,他們薪資並不高,我以為所有在杜拜的印度人一定都是勞工,我忘了在杜拜顯然也有很成功的印度人。當我在杜拜表演時,當地接待者說,「我們會請司機去載你。」所以我走到大廳,看見那裡有一個印度人,我就想,「他一定是我的司機。」因為他站在那裡,穿著一身廉價西裝,留著一撮小鬍子,盯著我看,所以我走過去說,「抱歉,先生,你是我的司機嗎?」他回答說「不,先生,這間飯店是我開的。」(笑聲)我說,「很抱歉,但你幹嘛盯著我看?」他回答,「我以為你是我的司機。」
我想讓大家知道的是,我試著以我的表演打破各種刻板印象,以正面方式呈現中東人及穆斯林的形象,我希望在未來幾年內,有更多好萊塢所拍的電影和電視節目,能以正面形象來呈現我們。誰知道,或許某天我們甚至會有自己的詹姆士.龐德,對吧?「我是龐德,Jamal.龐德。」
(笑聲)
在那之前,我會繼續講笑話,希望大家常常開懷大笑,祝各位有美好的一天,謝謝。
(掌聲)
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The other thing you learn sometimes when you travel to these countries in the Middle East, sometimes in Latin American countries, South American countries -- a lot of times when they build stuff, there's no rules and regulations. For example, I took my two year-old son to the playground at the Dubai Mall. And I've taken my two year-old son to playgrounds all over the United States. And when you put your two year-old on a slide in the United States, they put something on the slide to slow the kid down as he comes down the slide. Not in the Middle East. (Laughter) I put my two year-old on the slide; he went frrmrmm! He took off. I went down. I go, "Where's my son?" "On the third floor, sir. On the third floor." (Laughter) "You take a taxi. You go to Zara. Make a left." (Laughter) "Try the yogurt. It's very good. Little expensive."
But one of the things I try to do with my stand-up is to break stereotypes. And I've been guilty of stereotyping as well. I was in Dubai. And there's a lot of Indians who work in Dubai. And they don't get paid that well. And I got it in my head that all the Indians there must be workers. And I forgot there's obviously successful Indians in Dubai as well. I was doing a show, and they said, "We're going to send a driver to pick you up." So I went down to the lobby, and I saw this Indian guy. I go, "He's got to be my driver." Because he was standing there in like a cheap suit, thin mustache, staring at me. So I went over, "Excuse me, sir, are you my driver?" He goes, "No, sir. I own the hotel." (Laughter) I go, "I'm sorry. Then why were you staring at me?" He goes, "I thought you were my driver."
I'll leave you guys with this: I try, with my stand-up, to break stereotypes, present Middle Easterners in a positive light -- Muslims in a positive light -- and I hope that in the coming years, more film and television programs come out of Hollywood presenting us in a positive light. Who knows, maybe one day we'll even have our own James Bond, right. "My name is Bond, Jamal Bond."
(Laughter)
Til then, I'll keep telling jokes. I hope you keep laughing. Have a good day. Thank you.
(Applause)