-
請大家坐下。很榮幸邀請到瑪雅．魯道夫。
哇，我沒料到這麼精彩，太令我驚訝了，很榮幸也很感動看見這麼有趣的場面。好，很好。我們共聚一堂，看看這些美麗的臉孔和iphones。
十分感謝Fitts校長、杜蘭大學校董會委員與榮譽學位得主。早安，畢業生、畢業生的家屬和朋友、母親、父親、兄弟、同父異母兄弟、姐妹、室友、「室友」、祖父母、Meemaws and Papaws（親子度假村）、Bubbies、Nanas和Boppas（餐廳名）Nany Gigi的家人和朋友Herb、Ronnies阿姨、Garys叔叔，以及我今早在Tinder（約會app）遇見的人。感謝你們邀請我在這個特殊的日子來到這座美麗的城市，我謙卑、優雅地站在這裡，禮袍下一絲不掛。很榮幸在你們人生新階段的起點與大家共聚一堂，你們即將邁向「白天不喝醉」這個令人興奮且充滿挑戰的旅程，一定很有趣。我要讚賞你們今天來到這裡，因為這不僅意味著你獲得大學學位，也意味著儘管血液中酒精濃度指標高達9，你們仍找得到這個會場。我看著你們，公共衛生與熱帶醫學院畢業生。
展開英文
收合英文
-
Thank you President Fitts, the board of Tulane members and today’s honorary degree recipients.Good morning graduates, families and friends of graduates — mothers, fathers, brothers, brothers from other mothers, sisters, roommates, “roommates,” grandmas, grandpas, Meemaws and Papaws, Bubbies, Nanas and Boppas, Nany Gigi’s and their special friend Herb, Aunt Ronnies, Uncle Garys and people who met on Tinder this morning. I thank you for having me here to join you on this special day in this beautiful city. I stand here humbled, gracious and completely naked under this robe.It really is a true honor to be with all of you as you begin this new phase of your life – as you embark on this exciting and challenging journey of being sober during the daI applaud you for being here today because it means not only have you earned a college degree but you have found this arena despite still having a blood alcohol level of 9.03999. I’m looking at you School of Public Health and Tropical Medicine.
-
往後的世界充滿無限可能性，你們還年輕，你們才二十多歲。對你們來說這是美好的一天，除了那些帶著學生貸款畢業的人。我不知道該對你們說什麼，抱歉，我希望你們中樂透。今年一月貴校邀請我擔任今天的畢業演講嘉賓時，我很高興，因此當我今早開始在旅館寫演講稿時，第一件事就是上網搜尋別人的畢業演講。然後我累了，所以小睡一下，醒來後我哭了一下，用客房服務叫了墨西哥式煎蛋早餐，然後又哭了一下，然後我振作起來，決定睡個回籠覺。當我將貪睡提醒按掉四五次後，我終於醒來，做了在座各位或許在準備期末考時都會做的事：我確保手機上所有應用程式都已經更新，因為那似乎是最重要的事。然後我檢查Facebook、Twitter、Instagram和Snapchat，我用Periscoped直播我的早餐，在Buzzfeed上做了4個心理測驗，然後看了《權力遊戲》。當我今早在來這裡的途中寫完演講稿時，想起－我想起自己與杜蘭有多深的淵源。我很自豪地說，我父親理查．魯道夫是1968年畢業生，今天我姪女莎蕊娜．魯道夫跟大家一起畢業。莎蕊娜，莎蕊娜，我想讓你出個糗，請站起來跟大家揮手，你讓我十分驕傲，千萬別玷污了這個姓氏。
展開英文
收合英文
-
From this day forward the world is filled with endless possibilities. You’re young, you’re in your twenties. This is a great day for all of you. Except for those of you leaving college with any student loan debt. I don’t know what to say to you. I’m sorry. I hope you win the lottery.Back in January when the University asked me to make today’s commencement speech I was delighted. So when I started writing it this morning back at the hotel, the first thing I did was go online and look up other commencement speeches. And then I got tired, so I took a nap. I woke up, cried a little bit. Ordered some Huevos Rancheros from Room Service. Then I cried a little bit more. And then I picked myself up by the bootstraps and decided to go back to sleep. And after I hit that snooze button four or five times I got up again and I did what all of you probably did while you were pushing through finals week. I made sure all the apps on my phone were updated, because that felt like the most important thing. And then I checked Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat. I Periscoped my breakfast, I took 4 quizzes on Buzzfeed and I watched Game of Thrones.And as I finished writing the speech on the car ride over here this morning I thought about just how deep my Tulane roots are. I’m proud to say that my father, Richard Rudolph graduated class of 1968. And today my cousin Sabrina Rudolph is graduating with all of you. Sabrina, I’d like to embarrass you by asking you to please stand up and wave at everyone. I’m so proud of you. Now please don’t tarnish the family name.
-
班傑明．富蘭克林、拿破崙、Jay Z、小皇帝詹姆斯、露西兒．鮑爾、C-3PO（《星際大戰》系列中的角色），根據我手機提供的資訊，他們都是杜蘭大學畢業生，他們都拿到《Magna Carta Holy Grail》（大憲章、聖杯，亦為Jay-Z的專輯名稱）。我不會說拉丁語，所以我不知道這是什麼意思。但我會說兒童黑話（一種英語語言遊戲），所以我知道怎麼說「I EAKSPAY IGPAY ATINLAY」，這句話就是「I speak pig Latin」（我說兒童黑話）。我不是杜蘭校友，我畢業於加州大學聖塔克魯茲分校，這是一所－你們知道這所學校，這是一所座落於北加州海邊叢林的嬉皮學校。所以你們的吉祥物是綠波，我們的吉祥物是香蕉蛞蝓。我們沒有足球隊，但我們有極限飛盤隊。大不相同，對嗎？我主修「不洗腳」和「曲折前進」，因此－因此我5年的大學生涯多半在迷路中度過。真正的迷路，聖塔克魯茲多半是樹林，轉錯一個彎就會迷路好幾天。但大學畢業後我不知道自己的人生定位和該做什麼，我對人生方向的概念不比高中畢業時清晰。我穿著勃肯鞋，聞起來臭氣沖天，我只願意承認Urban Outfitters有賣那雙勃肯鞋。
展開英文
收合英文
-
Benjamin Franklin, Napoleon, Jay Z, LeBron James, Lucille Ball – these are all graduates of Tulane University according to my Phone. And they all graduated Magna Carta Holy Grail. Now I don’t speak Latin so I don’t know what that means, but I do speak Pig Latin… so I know how to say “I EAKSPAY IGPAY ATINLAY.”I didn’t go to Tulane. I graduated from UC Santa Cruz which is a hippie school nestled in the seaside woods of Northern California. You have The Green Wave our school mascot was the Banana Slug. We didn’t have a Football team but we did have an Ultimate Frisbee Team. I majored in Not Washing My Feet and Advanced Zig Zag Rolling. For a lot of my 5-year college career, I was lost. Like, actually lost. Santa Cruz is mostly woods, you make one wrong turn and you’re gone for days.
I didn’t know who I was or what I was going to do with my life when I finished college. I wasn’t any clearer about my direction than the day I graduated high school. I wore Birkenstocks and smelled like a patchouli far.And I am only willing to admit that now that Birkenstocks are sold at Urban Outfitters.
-
大四那年父親問我畢業後打算做什麼，我告訴他我想上《週六夜現場》。真的，但在那一刻之前，我不曾想過承認上《週六夜現場》是我的夢想，我不曾想過承認自己想當演員。在那個年代沒有人真的把演員視為人生目標，當時演員沒有結婚權利。我父親做了任何偉大老師都會做的事，他不動聲色地看著我說：「很好，你發現這一點時是怎麼堅持這個想法的？你打算什麼時候洗腳？」他以現實而支持的態度把責任丟回我身上，巧妙地顯示他對女兒以插科打諢為畢生目標的支持。因此－我做了或許很多人都會做的事，我報名了許多學校，要求父親替我付學費。在洛杉磯Groundlings劇院，我學的是即興演出。即興演出有個硬性規定，稱之為「是，然後」規則。所謂「是，然後」就是：總是說「是的」。不僅如此，還得加上一些說明。所謂的說明並非否定他人想法，而是衍生更多想法，像這樣：如果我和Fitts校長在同一個場景中，Fitts校長說：「嘿，你是歐普拉。」如果我說：「不，我不是。」我們的演出就無法繼續。但如果Fitts校長說：「嘿，你是歐普拉。」我說：「是的，我是。今天，2015年畢業生，看看座位底下，因為你們今天都將帶著大學文憑離開！你們得到大學文憑了！你們得到大學文憑了！你們得到大學文憑了！是的，你們得到大學文憑了！我們都得到大學文憑了！」我的帽子都叫歪了。
展開英文
收合英文
-
And then during senior year my father asked me what I planned to do after I graduated. And I told him “I want to be on Saturday Night Live.”But until that moment I never wanted to admit that being on SNL was my dream. I never wanted to admit that I was a Thespian. And this was back in the days when people weren’t really talking about being thespians. Before Thespians could marry.My Dad did what any great teacher would do — he looked at me unfazed and said, “Great. And how do you plan to support yourself while you figure that out? And when are you going to wash your feet?” He was realistic, supportive, deflected the responsibility back to me and subtly showed his support for his daughters pursuit of a life in Fart Jokes.So I did what many of you will probably do — I enrolled in more college and asked my Dad to pay for it.At the Groundlings Theatre in Los Angeles, I studied Improvisation. And in Improvisation there is one hard and fast rule, and that rule is known as “Yes And”. The term YES AND: to say yes, and not just yes, but to add information. In the adding of information you don’t negate the other persons idea – but you build on it.So like this: If I’m in a scene with you President Fitts and you say, “hey, you’re Oprah Winfrey.” And I say, “No I’m not.” Then our scene would be over. But if you say, “Hey, you’re Oprah Winfrey” and I say, “Yes I am…and today Class of 2015??? Look Under Your Seats! Because you are all leaving here today with a COLLEGE DIPLOMA!!! YOU GET A COLLEGE DIPLOMA! YOU GET A COLLEGE DIPLOMA!”
-
如果我可以給21歲的自己任何建議，那將是－盡可能多拍一點比基尼泳裝照。因為那時你的身材辣得冒煙，我告訴你們，絕對不是生產後那種「辣」。但說真的，如果我能給21歲的自己像我今天給你們的建議，如果我有一台時光機，如果我有一台時光機，我會先趕回去發明iPhone，因為我想這樣能大賺一筆。但如果我必須給你們任何建議，那將是這個：說「是的」，說－是的，說「是，然後」，創造自己的命運。因此與老友保持聯繫，親吻你的母親，承認自己的夢想。如果不知道將來該做什麼，千萬別自暴自棄，只要努力工作，別偷懶，偶爾收起你該死的手機，還有對混蛋好一點，因為我們還不知道是否夠格進天堂。讓你們的父母感到驕傲，找出終止全球暖化的方法。我愛你們，2015年畢業生。還有一件事，既然我們在超級圓頂中心，不妨放縱一下。你們介意起立唱國歌嗎？來吧，該我表演了。
展開英文
收合英文
-
If I could give my 21 year old self any advice it would be take as many bikini photos as you can now because your body is smokin’ hot. And it will not be this bangin’ after childbirth. But seriously, if I could give my 21 year old self the advice I’m giving you today and if I had a time machine, well first I would go back in time and invent the iPhone, cause I think I could make a ton of money.So if I must give any of you advice it would be Say Yes. Say Yes, And… and create your own destiny.So hold on to your old friends. Kiss your Mama. Admit what your dreams are. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t know what you’re gonna do tomorrow. But work hard and don’t be lazy. And put away your damn phone once in a while. And be nice to jerks because we still don’t know the criteria for getting into heaven yet.Now go make your parents proud and figure out how to end global warming. I love you Class of 2015. Now would you all please rise for the National Anthem.
-
WHOASAYCAN YOU SEE
（你可看見）
BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT
（在晨曦初現時）
WHAT SO PROUDLY WE HAILED
（是什麼讓我們如此驕傲地歡呼）
AT THE TWILIGHT’S LAST BLEAMING
（在最後一線暮光中）
WHOSE BROAD STRIPES AND BRIGHT STARS THRU THE PERILOUS FIGHT
（是誰的旗幟在激戰中始終高揚）
OH THE RAMPARTS WE WATCHED
（我們看見在城牆上）
WERE SO GALLANTLY STREAMING
（旗幟依舊飄揚）
AND THE ROCKET'S RED GLARE
（烈火熊熊）
THE BOMBS BURSTING IN AIR
（炮聲隆隆）
GAVE A LITTLE BIT OF PROOF THROUGH THE BA’NIGHT
（在黑夜過後）
THAT OUR FLAG WAS STIL THERE
（我們的旗幟依然聳立）
CAUSE IT’S ONE TWO NEATH STRIKES AND YOU’RE OUT
（因為經過一兩次打擊你就會出局）
我會的，寶貝
BUY ME SOME PEANUTS AND APPLE JACKS
（給我買點花生和蘋果酒）
I DONT CARE IF
（我不在乎）
CAUSE IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
（因為如果你喜歡就該為他戴上戒指）
CAUSE IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
（如果你喜歡就該為他戴上戒指）
DON’T BE MAD CAUSE YOU SEE THAT HE WANT IT
（別因為他想要就生氣）
CAUSE IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
（因為如果你喜歡就該為他戴上戒指）
WHOA OH OH OO OH OH OH OH－
WE WOKE UP IN THE KITCHEN SAYIN
（我們在廚房醒來說）
HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN, OH BABY
（昨晚發生了什麼事，寶貝）
AND THE HO-O-O-O-MEYA-YA-YA－
THE BRAVE
（勇敢）
B TO THE R TO THE A TO THE V TO THE E
（B到R到A到V到E）
BU BU BU BU BRAVE
開球囉！恭喜2015年畢業生
展開英文
收合英文
-
